Reporter: Mr. Stern, what an honor to interview you for our article on elite global law firms! You are known as the “King of M&A”, but also impressive is your visionary approach to law firm management. Your innovative “Paper Bag Model” is praised across the industry as the death knell for workplace discrimination.

Stern: Under our model, our associates are judged solely on their merits, not their skin color, race, or ethnicity. Our associates wear paper bags over their heads and go by random ID numbers. This avoids potential human biases and creates a level playing field.

Paine (whisper): Best part is we no longer have to remember associate names.

Schmidt (whisper): It’s like one night stands for law firms.

Reporter: …

Paine (to Reporter): But yeah, whatever he said.